The Curious Case Of Benjamin Unbuttoned…
Last night’s date was via E-Harmony.com.
The Place: Chelsea
The Drinks: Cocktails (and more)
The gentleman seemed perfect for me – said all the things I wanted to hear from a prospective online date; “I am tall, attractive, interesting, financially solvent, socially gregarious,” et cetera. I pointed out that “socially” and “gregarious” were synonyms and asked if he planned to bring his thesaurus with him on our date, and luckily he responded cleverly, “my thesaurus got donated to the British Museum ; all of those bones took up too much room.” Yes, for that small fee of terrible humour, gentlemen receive the opportunity to win me over in person.
I usually try to arrive a few minutes late, to clock the venue and see if I can glimpse someone with Judge Doom eyes (Who Framed Roger Rabbit), in which case a quick jaunt around the park and only the text messages remain of this “meeting” you claim was meant to happen. In any event, the lady ought not to be sitting alone for the gentleman to approach her in public (shock horror) so this is the key to meeting online dates. Be late. And if they’re later than you, keep in mind they likely had the same die, but subtract points off the final score.
I was not impressed with the gentleman; he had clearly used a photograph from ages before and seemed a mite plumper, having aged overnight. All of a sudden 34 seemed like a hilarious joke (on me), and I was tempted to ask if he’d had a hard road on the way to financial solvency, hence all the crows nesting in his eye-region and the jowls setting in. Making money is hard work. I ordered a drink anyhow, and chatted away, neutralizing all thoughts of romance, and simply allowing myself to be entertained.
He was rapt and leaning in and seemed ever so excited, which I soon twigged was down to his right hand not leaving the pocket of his trousers for the duration of our encounter, and which also never left as I said good-bye (nor did he bother to stand, thank goodness). I left the venue with a new lesson in mind: beware the gentleman who tells you what you want to hear, then takes you somewhere with long tablecloths.